Monday, January 17, 2011

If they were the Januaryists...we might have avioded this whole Cold War entirely

I'm considering resurrecting Tesla to be a coconspiritor on a weather control device. I need to eliminate January. It is a miserable month. Aside from personal tragedy and my apparent aversion for pants, washing my hair and getting out of bed, this month has always been the worst month of the year. Everybody is fat, sick and has no desire to do anything. It is fucking cold.
We live in a wonderful world of the Slap Chop, interactive videogames and somewhere on this planet you can feed a child for thirty three cents a day, yet we still have Januaries and terrorism. This has to be one of the top failings of humanity, in between the destruction of the environment, the Spanish Inquisition and the breakup of the Spice Girls.
We get through January and like some traumatizing event, we shove it back into our minds. Remember last January? No. Because come March we live like January never existed...a fog, or a bad dream that melted with the snow.
Wrapped in a snuggy and drinking stale holiday beer I speak out against this terrible month. I hope that this year's January brings lessons learned, to plan a getaway to Australia or just take off and sleep until Groundhog Day. January Awareness needs to spread so we no longer suffer in the cold and silence.

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